I’ve been failing at grief lately.
“I am strong. I am strong. I’ve got this. I can do this.”
These are the things I tell myself. Most days this self motivation helps, it gets me through each day. But then I go through phases where I don’t believe this bullshit I keep telling myself. I feel like the weight of 4 elephants is on my chest. My heart literally hurts, like it’s beng stabbed. The headaches come frequently, and I get dizzy at times. It’s all anxiety, caused from stress. I have to talk myself out of dialing 911. I’m not dieing, but sometimes wish I was so I could escape the pain.
It’s November. In 4 months it will be 2 years since I lost my little sunshine, Payton. I feel so far away from him. How have I survived this long without him? How many more years will this continue? Will it just keep getting worse? Will it get better? Or will I just keep getting better at holding back the tears from others and hiding my pain? I don’t know.
The memories others have of my son seem to be fading, while mine are so fresh and relevant. I hope my memories of him never fade. There are times I have to really concentrate to hear his voice, his laugh, and this terrifies me. I haven’t heard it in so long, but the other memories are raw. I try to push the bad memories out of my mind, anytime they sneak in, but it’s not easy. His death was traumatizing and it rips me apart.
I love it when some random person sends me a message of a memory of Payton. It can be the smallest thing: “He spilt his milk all over the table and I helped him clean it up” or “He pushed my daughter down once and laughed at her. She was so mad”..amazing!!! You remembered! He lived and spilled his milk and push your kid down! He lived! Thanks for telling me, really, I love hearing memories of him being a little stinker, because he was my little stinker, and I miss him dearly.
Sometimes I need to sit in my grief, and get an “F” in the subject. Getting straight “A”s is wearing on me. I can’t always pretend I’m okay, and hold back my tears. I can’t always put on a smile. Sorry not sorry people. I’m not going to “get over” my sadness, so you may as well “get over” the fact that sometimes I can’t get a good grade.
“I don’t feel strong. I feel weak. I don’t have this. I’m spiraling out of control. I CAN’T do this”.