I just can’t…

Some days I just can’t. I just can’t work, I can’t socialize, I can’t smile, I just can’t! Some days I just need to take a minute (like I am now) to stop, because I can’t work through the tears…I literally can’t see what the fuck I’m doing! It’s only Tuesday, but the week has been rough. Payton’s birthday is Thursday…he is SUPPOSED to be here to turn 9!!! Instead we are celebrating his birthday WITHOUT him and it makes me SO FUCKING MAD!! This isn’t how, not even close, I had planned my life. I NEVER thought I’d be 31 years old with 3 teenagers. I feel so damn empty. I feel selfish and like a shitty mom saying this, but I don’t feel like a mom anymore. My kids are getting older and could care less about me. They don’t need me. Hell, my oldest hasn’t said more than 3 words to me in weeks! My middle child just cares about going to see girls and playing video games and doesn’t talk to me, and my youngest it seems is always mad at me about something. If Payton was here, he’d be driving me crazy making messes and causing mayhem, but he would give me hugs. He would tell me he loves me. He would want to be close to me! I miss that. I miss feeling needed and loved by my child.

How much would he have grown by now? Would he be to my chin? How much would his facial features have changed? Would his hair still lighten from the sun, or would it stay brown like mine now? Would he have lost his front baby teeth and have his grown up teeth now? What would he look like now? Would his vocabulary be better, would he have been able to pronounce the “s” sound better now? What would he sound like now? Would he be able to read without my help now? How many shoe sizes would he have grown? Would he be playing sports? Which sports? What kind of shows and video games would he like now?? It’s already been way too fucking long since I’ve seen him, heard his voice, smelled his hair, hugged him…and I really have to live like this for an unknown amount of time???!!!!??? Some days I just can’t.

Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

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