The holidays are rough…ok that is sugar coating, they royally suck and just don’t feel the same anymore. Everyone is doing the things I should be doing and it makes me sick to think about the reason I am not doing these things.
My baby should have gone to see Santa and had a picture with him. He should have been here to decorate the Christmas tree and make Christmas cookies with us. He should be getting overly excited, making his wish list, and asking me every day “Mom, how many days until Christmas now?”. He should be getting up every morning excited to see what his Elf on the Shelf is up to. I should have been taking a picture of him in front of the tree wearing his little little sweater and khakis, or maybe he would have chosen a button up and dress pants, before the Christmas concert tonight. Then we should have been rushing out the door to make it to the school before the program, where we would have been so proud watching him sing in tune with his classmates. He should be going to the school gift program to choose special gifts for all of us. He should be bringing home something he made for us and be too excited to wait until Christmas to give it to us and giving it to us early. We should be doing Christmas crafts together, making gifts for his teacher, and conversing about past Christmas memories.
He. Should. Be. Here. Damn it!! But he’s not, and I miss him with everything in my soul. I feel like a broken record that cannot be stopped.
The following is something I have not really talked in detail with anyone about. I talk to Payton every night, and I swear I can hear his replies. Maybe my mind makes them up, maybe he is communicating with me. I don’t know, but either way it is a connection and I’ll take what I can get. He tells me he is okay, really really amazing actually, and most of the time it feels like he is hurrying to reassure me so he can be on his way if I get emotional talking to him. I feel like an annoyance to him with my worrying. He says things like “You already told me that mom” and “I want you here too but you can’t come yet”. He tells me the things he is learning there in heaven. Sometimes I’ll ask him to do something and he will say “I’ll try” or “I can’t do that yet”. I talk to him about all of our family members and he always has something silly to say about each person when I “bring them up”. I feel a little crazy writing this, and I won’t get into too much detail because the relationship I now have with him feels so personal and I feel many wouldn’t understand, but I do know he is okay. I am not okay though. I just want him back or I want to be with him in heaven. I am trying to make the best of the holidays for my family, but it does have it’s heart crippling moments.
I know that Christmas in heaven must be amazing. My boy gets to celebrate the birth of Christ with Christ himself! How great is that? More than “great”. I don’t even think there is a word for how wonderful the celebration must be. I am happy for him, but very sad for myself and my family.