It is often said that time heals. Over 2 years later, I am still waiting to be healed. The only thing that brings me peace is knowing that my baby is healed, and no longer in pain. The pain we have been left with is excruciating though. As parents, we would do absolutely anything for our children, so I try to tell myself “We are living with this pain so he doesn’t have to”. We have learned to live without a piece of our hearts intact. We have taught ourselves to block it out. We try to keep busy to suffocate the pain, yet it remains. I’ve realized that no matter how many bandaids you put on a deep infected wound, it will not heal. You’ll need an antibiotic. In our situation, I believe the only antibiotic available is God. When we meet him, we will be healed from this pain. I honestly hope we get to meet Payton first. That would be healing enough for me.
We are coming up on another new school year next month, and it is really difficult to think about. Our 2 middle kids and I ran into Wal Mart tonight and I told them to grab a few of the school supplies they may need for the new school year. It felt like the colored pencils, glue, and cartoon folders were taunting me. It crossed my mind to just buy a bunch of the shit anyways, even though I don’t have any kids who would use them. Maybe my nephews and niece could use them if I bought them, but I didn’t. I should have a 4th grader this year, but I don’t.
I wish Payton was here. I’d trade him a foot rub for a back scratching. We would have had so much fun together this summer. Sometimes I feel like he’s missing out on all of the good stuff; going on the boat, camping, and swimming in our new pool, but in reality we are missing out on doing these things with him present. Time does not heal, you only learn how to survive the pain that you once thought would kill you.