There are so many things that are constantly on replay in my mind. The things that really haunt me are the things Payton was looking forward to, but never had the chance to experience.
Payton wanted to live. He wanted to play baseball. We promised him we would go to games in his honor. We only made it to one game this season and my gosh it was hard. I think I spent an entire inning crying in my car. He should have been there. I could picture him on the field, so excited when it was his turn to bat.
Some things he wanted to do are smaller, yet so big to me now. Payton developed a LOVE for Legos during the last 6 months of his life. He and Jason put them together at least a few times a week. Just 20 days before he passed away, he and I went on Amazon to shop for some new Lego sets. We purchased 3 sets. They were all pretty big sets and Payton wanted to surprise his dad with them. When they arrived, they quickly put together 2 of the 3 sets. The 3rd was a house, a lake house. Payton decided he wanted all of us to put it together as a family. Shortly after this decision Payton’s health took a turn for the worse and he passed away. That Lego set is sitting in the box in the exact place it was when we got if in the mail. It hurts me so much that we never got to put it together with him.
When Payton was in the hospital, he loved me reading to him. One day during his week long stay, I read 8 Magic Tree House books to him. He would open his eyes just for a second to see the pictures in the book. He loved Magic Tree House books since he was a kindergartener. When we got home from the hospital, the hospice nurse said she had a bunch of Magic Tree House books she would let us borrow. I read him all but 4 pages of “Judy Moody The Doctor is in” before he was gone, never to be read to again. The book is still marked in tbe same place, with a batman sticker he “won” for being so good when he got a poke. He passed away before the nice nurse had a chance to bring the Magic Tree House books over. I loved reading to him, and I know he loved it too.
Payton would say things to me like “When I turn 8 can I play football?” Or “When I’m 14 can I get a phone?” Or “When I’m a grown-up I’m moving to Florida.”. He wanted to turn 8, he wanted to be 14, he wanted to grow up. His birthday is in 6 days. He should be turning 8 like he was so excited to.
The hole in my heart is gaping. I know it will always be there, just like my sweet boy will always be there.