Life is blurry

The last couple of weeks have been pretty good, the best since Payton went to be with Jesus.  I have thought about him everyday, at least once an hour but could do it without falling apart every time. 

It feels like life is just a blur sometimes.  We’re just going through the motions, one foot in front of the other,  dealing with things as they come. We do the things we feel obligated to do each day, go to bed, only to get up and do it all over again the next. 

The realization that saving “box tops” is a thing of the past now that I don’t have any elementary school kids anymore brought me to tears today.  It can be the silliest things that just rip you apart. 

I think of Payton’s voice, how I just want to talk with him and hear him say “I love you mom”. I think of his hugs and want a squishy hug from him so bad it literally hurts. 

Payton’s birthday is in 9 days. The thought of that made my stomach turn upside down today. I could have vommitted. He should be turning 8. He should be asking me everyday “mom how many days is it until my birthday now?”. He should be deciding what he wants for his birthday and what theme he wants his party and who he wants to invite. Instead we will be celebrating without him and he will never turn 8, or 9, or anything but 7. 

I try to tell myself it’s a good thing that he doesn’t have to endure the cruelty and difficulties of the world that comes after growing up, but it doesn’t justify it no matter how much I wish it would. 

Grieving can be very lonely. Although we know our families miss and love Payton so much, I don’t think they understand the depth of our pain, nor should they or would I ever want them to. 

It is terrifying to me that we only had Payton for 7 years and that is such a short time compared to the years we could continue to live. It feels like we could unintentionally forget things about him and that is very sad to think about. 

I hate to admit that we are slightly adjusting to life without him….it feels wrong.  The adjustment is forced and doesn’t feel good, it’s just happening.  It will never be right but maybe healthy. Don’t mistake that for “we are all better” or “we are happy now” because that is far from the case. 

We have some DIPG fundraisers coming up and I hope we raise lots of money and awareness. There are so many kids fighting this horrible disease and they need a cure. It makes me sick to think there may never be a cure in my lifetime. 

Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

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