I Wished My Child Dead

It’s a really sad day when you stop praying for your child to live and start praying for him to die. 

From the moment I became a mom, my prayers became something bigger than they had ever been. As I closed my eyes at night I started my prayers with “Dear Lord, please watch over my children as they sleep soundly in their beds tonight.  Please keep them safe and send them the happiest dreams”. This would always turn into myself asking God to give them amazing futures and for my kids to have faith in Him. I would thank God for these wonderful little beings he had blessed me with. 

When Payton got sick, my prayers would sometimes include only him. I would pray for hours, talking to God, asking him to heal my sweet boy, for a miracle I knew only he was capable of. I would tell God all about Payton, as if he hadn’t created him and he needed to know how much this little boy meant to me and what kind of soul he had. I would end my prayer, only to start another directly after. I felt I couldn’t pray enough.  

I will never forget the day I began to pray for Payton to leave this world. It feels so dark, saying I wanted my own child to die. He was so sick. He deserved to live, but he did not deserve to live that way. He was far too great to suffer the pain he was in. 

I recall walking out of the room, where my child’s body lay lifeless. My mom followed. She held me as I sobbed these words: “He finally answered a fucking prayer!”. For the rest of my life I will hate the fact that the prayer God answered was that of my child to die, but I will also be forever grateful that my child did not suffer for months on end as many children with DIPG do. 

I am no longer afraid of death, and I ask God every day to answer that prayer for me. I understand if it is not my time, I will remain here to suffer, but that does not stop me from asking God to bring me home sooner than maybe planned. 

Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

9 thoughts on “I Wished My Child Dead”

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. My baby was grown with babies of her own. Her colon cancer went to her brain… I understand… my daughter could have died 6 weeks earlier… my pain would not have been greater, but hers sure would have. 💔

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  2. I have also lost my son to DIPG. I PRAYED EVERYDAY FOR HIM NOT TO SUFFER, NOT TO SUFFER LONG. SO THE NIGHT AFTER HE LOST HIS SIGHT, could no longer see SPONGE BOB, or us The ones who loved him soo much… He passed, … My baby, forever9 #TeamNickforever

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    1. I’m so sorry Lisa, it’s the absolute worst. I am glad he did not suffer long but so sad that you have to suffer the loss of your sweet Nick. Big hugs from me to you💔💛🎗

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  3. I am just a grandma, but you are spot on with everything you are thinking, and thank you so much for expressing in words how you feel. I also prayed for all those things for my beautiful granddaughter, who went to heaven March 28th, 2017 at the young age of 3. And I so desperately wanted to be with her. Even still, each day I think, “Is Rory really dead? Is this real?” But I have learned so much through my Rory pie. I loved her so much, and the pain is so great. I do thank God for giving Rory to us, and having her joy in our lives for those 3 years. I can’t even imagine if we never had her, as she gave us so much joy, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world, and it’s so worth the pain. We all loved her so deeply, and I can’t be afraid to love like that again.
    I realize now that I was put on this earth for a greater reason, and I need to try to do all I can to live each day here on earth, fully. I am starting to reach out, and try to figure out what it is.
    I cry and pray that you can find some kind of peace, not now, but sometime.
    Tomorrow I’m going to a meeting to find out what foster parenting is all about. Maybe that is my calling.

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    1. Rory went to heaven two days after Payton did. I still can’t grasp the fact that he is gone either. It feels so unreal. I do agree though, I’d rather have had him for 7 years than never at all. I will pray for you and your foster parenting endeavor. Hugs❤

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    2. Please foster a child who needs you; it is a blessing you can give which will change a child’s life! I’m so glad we did!

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  4. Oh, momma… My heart aches for you. My son is currently battling relapsed metastatic Ewings Sarcoma. So many prayers over the last three years for him and thousands of children. I don’t know your pain, but I know the pain of watching too many succumb to cancer and too many families left with painful absences there are no words to describe. DIPG is especially cruel. I’m holding you close to my heart and sending you so much love.

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