The pain is always there. The intensity of it varies from minute to minute, or sometimes hour to hour or even day to day. My pain tonight makes me contemplate life. I have thought of ways to end it all. I could take my husband’s gun to the end of the driveway, or even to the end of our road and dial 911, then tell them quickly that I’m about to kill myself and to please send someone quickly to clean up my body so my kids don’t see, hang up, and just be done with the pain. Then I think about how hurt my kids and family would be, I can’t hurt them like that. My mom would lose a child as I have. I can’t put her through this pain. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. There is a constant heaviness in my chest, heartbreak I suppose. It lingers with me through every day and worsens in times of heavy grief, which come in unexpected through the days. There are times in each day that the damn breaks and my tears just flood through. This crying, it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t cry “normal” anymore. I literally just sob and wail uncontrollably. Afterwards I feel a slight relief, for a period, until the pain builds back up and something opens the flood gates again. It can be the littlest thing, like seeing a Pizza Hut commercial and remembering the last time we ate Pizza Hut was at Great Wolf Lodge and Payton was in so much pain he couldn’t eat any. He kept saying how good it looked. I feel guilty for eating it in front of him, although we did get him his favorite- mashed potatoes. The worst is just missing him. I want to touch him, hug him, scratch his back, love on him. Knowing I will never do this again until I get to Heaven is the most painful thing ever. I miss him so much.