Being a Mom

As a mother, we always worry about our children. We are (the majority of us) naturally programmed to care about them, to nurture them, to teach them, help them grow, and to love them. When they are sick or hurting, we give them medication and ice packs, plenty of water, and tell them to rest.

I’ve always nurtured my kids, but nurturing after childloss becomes something very different. The moment your child says they have a headache, your mind goes straight to “possible brain tumor”. If they’re constipated, you think “perforated bowel”. If your kids have a fever you assume it’s the flu.

Last year, Jordan got sick with the flu. He went to the doctor and got medicine to help him. He seemed to feel pretty good for someone who in my mind had the worst sickness in existence. I was so scared and worried about him. He was 16 years old, but still one of my babies and I just wanted him better. I asked him every few hours how he was feeling and if he had taken his medicine.

Tonight Maddi came down with a fever and cough. So here I am waiting until 1am to wake her up to give her some ibuprofen…I would have never done this 3 years ago. Back then I would have let her sleep through until morning.

Administrating medication is a whole different thing that goes along with this fear. You read the pill bottle 7 times to make sure you’re giving the proper does. You look it up online to make sure it won’t interact with other medicines you gave them. You read the pill bottle again. You debate whether it’s bern long enough between doses or not. It’s an agonizing process.

After you’ve lost a child, nurturing turns into somewhat of a “survival mode” nurturing. It is not a negative mind or negative thinking that causes you to feel this way. It’s just grief and fear.

Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

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