F*ck you cancer

I knew this was going to be hard. I knew it would hurt, but I never knew a pain of this kind existed. Everything makes me think of him. You go to choose a shirt to wear and the “Mommin’ ain’t easy” shirt you wore so often through radiation treatments and hospital visits to bring some humor to the horrible situation you were in, it isn’t funny anymore. You’re looking for your shoes to get ready to leave, and you spot his favorite pair, the red ones that light up, that he hadn’t even had a chance to grow out of yet. You walk out of the house but it doesn’t feel right “leaving without him” so you grab a picture of him to bring with you. You’re driving in the car and his favorite song comes on, your first reaction is to look back to catch a quick glimpse of the excitement on his face when he realizes what song is on..but he is not there. There’s an unopened chocolate milk on the passenger side floor that he couldn’t drink because his body was failing him. You cry over the damned chocolate milk for God’s sake. You see a mother yelling at her kids in the store..you used to be that lady…You’ll never be that lady again for more than 1 reason. You avoid the Easter aisle like the plague as you already know there are far too many things he would have loved, Hulk shaped eggs, stuffed bunnies wearing capes, probably a ninja turtle shaped basket. You’re watching TV and a talking dog comes on the commercial,  you look over to laugh with him about it, and it hits you like a ton of bricks for the 24th time this week, that he’s gone. Then you find a large manilla envelope of pictures and notes from his friends at school that we never had a chance to look at and you can’t bring yourself to open it because it hurts enough just knowing the envelope exists. This is just a miniscule look into how the days have been. I cannot believe tomorrow has been a week since we touched his soft skin, or kissed his little puckered lips. We miss our Payton Pie so much.


Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

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