So many times you hear people start out a sentence with “It’s no excuse, but…..”. I find myself trying to explain to people why I forgot to bring something I was supposed to, or why I gave the details wrong, or why I completely don’t remember something they told me, and deep inside I know it is my “grief brain” and I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, but damn it! It is an excuse! It is a ligitement excuse! The way I explain “grief brain” is this: brain fog, loss of focus, forgetting how to spell when you have always been an amazing speller (sorry to brag, but it’s true, I am now an “ex-amazing-speller” so no need to feel jealous of my expertise spelling skills lol), long-term memory loss- especially if the events you are trying to remember happened before your grief started, trying to figure out why you came in a room WAY more often than the average person (I used to be an average person too…not anymore), over-thinking everything, short term memory loss- for example I am trying to write this while working and I can’t remember why in the hell I turned my computer on….do I need to print a shipping label? Do I need to check a certain message? Did I want to turn on Pandora? Nope, can’t remember. That thought brings me to the next part of my explanation- Grief brain also takes away my ability to multitask like I used to. Cooking a 5 course meal used to be easy peasy for me, nope, not anymore. You should see me in the kitchen, running around like a caged animal trying to find the ingredients I need. I go to the cupboard and think to myself “Fuck! What did I come to this cupboard for?!?”, back to my pan, “oh, yeah I needed the flour.” This goes on through the entire process of cooking a meal. I forget constantly, even worse than before I was shoved on the grief train! I feel like I have Alzheimer’s, no joke, I actually wonder if I do or if I will have someday. I hide things from myself and can’t remember where I put them, ever. I’ve learned to tell at least 1 person where it is located, just in case. I find money in my pockets that I have no idea where it came from, no memory of receiving it…so be sure to have written proof of paying me back if you borrow from me haha! I can laugh a little bit while thinking of the ridiculous things my brain does, but in all reality, I HATE IT. I don’t feel as intelligent as I used to. It is not fun, and using it as an excuse just feels belittling to myself. Grief Brain is frustrating. By the way, I still can’t remember why I turned my computer on!