Grief Brain

So many times you hear people start out a sentence with “It’s no excuse, but…..”. I find myself trying to explain to people why I forgot to bring something I was supposed to, or why I gave the details wrong, or why I completely don’t remember something they told me, and deep inside I know it is my “grief brain” and I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses, but damn it! It is an excuse! It is a ligitement excuse! The way I explain “grief brain” is this: brain fog, loss of focus, forgetting how to spell when you have always been an amazing speller (sorry to brag, but it’s true, I am now an “ex-amazing-speller” so no need to feel jealous of my expertise spelling skills lol), long-term memory loss- especially if the events you are trying to remember happened before your grief started, trying to figure out why you came in a room WAY more often than the average person (I used to be an average person too…not anymore), over-thinking everything, short term memory loss- for example I am trying to write this while working and I can’t remember why in the hell I turned my computer on….do I need to print a shipping label? Do I need to check a certain message? Did I want to turn on Pandora? Nope, can’t remember. That thought brings me to the next part of my explanation- Grief brain also takes away my ability to multitask like I used to. Cooking a 5 course meal used to be easy peasy for me, nope, not anymore. You should see me in the kitchen, running around like a caged animal trying to find the ingredients I need. I go to the cupboard and think to myself “Fuck! What did I come to this cupboard for?!?”, back to my pan, “oh, yeah I needed the flour.” This goes on through the entire process of cooking a meal. I forget constantly, even worse than before I was shoved on the grief train! I feel like I have Alzheimer’s, no joke, I actually wonder if I do or if I will have someday. I hide things from myself and can’t remember where I put them, ever. I’ve learned to tell at least 1 person where it is located, just in case. I find money in my pockets that I have no idea where it came from, no memory of receiving it…so be sure to have written proof of paying me back if you borrow from me haha! I can laugh a little bit while thinking of the ridiculous things my brain does, but in all reality, I HATE IT. I don’t feel as intelligent as I used to. It is not fun, and using it as an excuse just feels belittling to myself. Grief Brain is frustrating. By the way, I still can’t remember why I turned my computer on!

Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

2 thoughts on “Grief Brain”

  1. I had never heard of grief brain till I read this. That is everything I been going through. I lost my son Chris march 19 2017. He died from carbon monoxide poisoning. He was 32 I miss him so much. I have a daughter she lives next door. She dont like to talk about Chris or about my grief. I know she’s going through her own grief losing her brother. Thank you so much for the info. It means the world to me. Prayers

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    1. You are welcome Linda, and I am so sorry you are also living with this. Our son’s passed away exactly one week apart. Grief brain is something I just made up to call it, because I don’t know another way to explain it. Feel free to reach out any time.

      Blessings,
      Jessica

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