The closer we get to Christmas, the harder it is to hold ourselves together. The tears come falling down everyday, at some point. Payton and I shared a LOVE for Christmas. Just about every year, we would go to the tree farm soon after Thanksgiving and pick the perfect tree. Payton would beg to decorate it right away, but we had to wait for it to settle. For the last few years, only Payton and Maddi helped put the ornaments on the tree. This year Maddi and I put up a small, borrowed pink Christmas tree. It only has a few ornaments on it; one a superhero ornament with a photo of our little hero in it, which Jason and Maddi bought for me. Normally by now is have set up my beautiful Christmas village, the kid’s stockings would be hung on the fireplace, lights would be sparkling throughout the house, our Elf- Oliver would be hanging around somewhere, and there would already be lots of wrapped gifts under the tree. This year is different. Every year from here on out will be different. The sparkle is missing, the spirit of Christmas is not in our hearts this year. I have promised myself that next year will be different.
I have found a new feeling inside myself I have never felt before…NUMB. This is a feeling that has actually been a comfort at times because I cannot feel this pain 24/7. It would kill me.