Changes in myself

As I scroll social media tonight so many things run through my mind. I realize my thought process is not the same as it used to be. I feel I’ve become less empathetic for some things, while more empathetic for others.

Many parents are sad about their children heading to the first day of school. I am sad that one of mine will not, EVER AGAIN. I wish their sadness was mine.

I have more cancer parents on my friends list than not.  That in itself should tell you something.  With childhood cancer awareness month in tow, I see many people spreading awareness…some are my family and real life people I know.  Most are cancer parents.  Most have lost their children to the evil cancer.  I do wish childhood cancer awareness got the publicity breast cancer does. Wal Mart has a giant section of pink shit for breast cancer awareness already. NEWS FLASH: Breast Cancer awareness month is OCTOBER! I was happy to read that MLB is going gold for kids. I’m glad someone cares. I used to support breast cancer, I love pink, but never again. They have their funding. I would give my boobs to have my child back ANY DAY! Hell, I’d give my life for my husband to have him back. 1 less person in this pain would be a little better I guess.

One cancer parent friend is celebrating her son’s birthday, at the cemetery.  That’s no place to have a party, but her son is buried there because cancer stole him from her. He turned 6, in a graveyard.

Another is crying because she has to send her daughter off to college. I say “she’s crying because she GETS to send her daughter off to college”. Cry me a river,  it will never be as deep as the one I am crying.

One friend is trying to raise money for a dog.  It’s a pretty good chunk of money. Now, I love my dogs, a lot, but my mind thinks “wow,  that could help a child,  a human being”. Is it low of me to think that way? Maybe.  Probably.

The article I read about the West Nile Virus gets my mind going to dark places. I think “maybe it will come through and sweep us all”…a death wish for the world against their will. Evil? Probably, but my thinking is “if it kills us all, my kids wouldn’t have to live without me”. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed to learn West Nile Virus isn’t as deadly as I always thought it was.

The “after” me is not right in the head sometimes, or maybe she’s more right in the head than she’s ever been. I know one thing, I’ll never “belong” in a world of non-bereaved parents again. I am different.  My mind has closed some doors that used to be open wide. My priorities have changed, and nothing is taken for granted in this life anymore.

I’m off to bed. I GET to get my 3 kids off to school in the morning for their first day back to school. I will not cry for my daughter starting middle school. I will not cry for my oldest starting his senior year. I will not cry for my middle son being a sophomore. I will cry for the one who never will.

Photo: the last “First day of school” photo I will ever have of all 4 of my kids.


Author: PaytonPiesMommy

I am a mother to 4 beautiful and amazing children. My youngest son was called to Heaven on March 26th, 2017 after a 6 month battle with a brain cancer called DIPG (Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma). He was only 7 years old. My life has been forever changed and my heart longs to be with him. I must complete my mission on earth, until we meet again. Writing is my outlet.

One thought on “Changes in myself”

  1. I’m so sorry , I can’t even begin to express the compassion I have for you , I cannot imagine the pain of the loss of a child . I know losing my mom and significant other was killing enough, your a strong woman Jess …. Xoxo


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