The days since Payton flew to heaven with the pink and red Power Rangers (as my 2 year old nephew says), have been long and unimaginably difficult. It’s still so hard for me to believe my little guy is gone and I will not see him again until I get to Heaven.
I think back on our life as a family often. Back in 2007 Jason and I had decided to have just 1 more child. After going off birth control, it was not easy to conceive. I wondered if I would be able to become pregnant. After 8 months we got the best news that we would be able to complete our family. Hard work had paid off…no pun intended😁
Neither of us have had anything given to us and we have worked hard for everything we have/had. Almost 5 years ago, after many years of pushing ourselves and each other, we were able to buy our first house. I remember coming to see the house. The kids were all so excited to all have their own rooms, especially Wes and Jordan, after sharing for so many years. Payton was just a little toddler and didn’t care which room he had. He just loved the space in the house, to run freely.
A couple of years later, I started my home business making hand stamped jewelry. Once that took off we were in a great place. We both worked hard and made ourselves a comfortable little family in every way. We had life made. We had our beautiful kids, our home we loved, awesome families, finances set, and a good relationship for the most part.
We still have all of those things, yet we don’t at the same time. We could both drop our jobs and and be depressed…we work because we have to. We could sell this home and buy a much smaller home. It is so empty feeling, with Payton gone and the boys getting older so they’re not home much. Most of the time it’s just Maddi and I here (Jason sleeps days so he can work nights). Our kids are growing up so much and the childish feeling has completely left our home. Our families are still great and we don’t know what we would do without them. Our relationship is still good, but in a different way. We have both learned to accept and respect eachother’s grief and love one another through it. There is no guide telling us how to do this and all we can do is try our best. The little things that used to “matter” don’t matter anymore. My new motto is “Worst things have happened” and I live by it. I hope there is never another moment in my life that I cannot use that motto.
When the lady at the gas station asked me this evening “How are you today?”, I was able to answer “good” and that be the half-ass truth. In all reality I am not very good but I’m a tiny bit good and that’s better than not good at all so I gave her the sugar coated version.
Life goes on…or does it? Sure we’re alive, but many days it doesn’t feel worth it. I’ve realized that you can live, in the sense of being alive, without really living. I can only hope someday we will feel like we are truly living again, it’s what Payton would want. I taught him about “patcients” before he passed away (we got a good laugh out of me telling him “You know how sometimes in the restaurant dad says “What in the hell is taking so long?”…well that’s because he’s not being patient”) so I hope he is being patient with us while we learn our way.