Friday, our middle son (15 years old), Jordan, had an eye appointment. Jordan got off work early so he could make it to his appointment and I met him there. I was in a good mood, he was in a good mood. He laughed his way through the series of tests they did. Then he saw the doctor. The doctor was a nice man, with beautiful white hair, a white beard, and friendly blue eyes. He asked Jordan if we were taking any vacations this summer. Jordan told the man we had gone to Myrtle Beach. The doctor asked me if we had family there. I responded, telling him that we had gone there to honor Payton and take some of he and his papa’ s ashes to the ocean. He apologized for bringing it up, and turned his face away from me and stared at his lap. The small room was silent for about 30 seconds, before he turned back to me, his piercing blue eyes filled with tears, and said “I’m so sorry”. My heart hurt for him, as it hurt for myself. I told him “It’s okay”…but it isn’t all okay. I didn’t go into detail but what I wanted to say was, “It’s okay that you brought it up, it’s okay to talk about my angel, but it’s not okay that he’s gone and I’m not okay”. We don’t do that though. Instead we try to comfort those hurting for our loss. We try to detour their pain, so we lie. We try to quickly erase the awkwardness, so they aren’t uncomfortable, which in return causes us to become uncomfortable.
Grief is a nasty emotion. It makes you do any say things you don’t mean. It takes away your honesty and rawness without you even realizing it until it’s already happened.