I think it’s human nature to have a need for reason, especially if you are an over-analyzer such as myself. I’m constantly trying to justify why things happened to Payton; with reasoning.
They say there’s a reason for everything (I barely believe that shit anymore btw). Kids get sick so they can build their immune systems. We eat and drink to survive. It rains to give the earth moisture. We have eyes so we can see. We work so we can have money to take care of our families. These are the kinds of things that have valid reasons…not everything does.
I have thought that the “reason” Payton was so sick and went through so much before passing was to make us stronger to be able to bear losing him. I’m not saying we could bear it, but we’re still alive and I *try* to justify it that way. Then I think about children who pass away suddenly, with no warning. Their parents don’t get “time to get a little stronger”, so why would we? Then my reasoning doesn’t make sense at all.
Trying to justify things with reasoning makes us question God which we know is wrong. I have not allowed our loss to diminish my faith but it definitely does make you so angry at God sometimes. We ask ourselves often “Why did this happen to our son, to us?”
It’s a pity party in our minds that we have everyday and we don’t give a flying shit what anyone thinks about us feeling sorry for ourselves and our other 3 kids. Normally I wouldn’t be one to feel sorry for myself in any situation, because MOST situations are in your control and if things aren’t going good it’s your own damn fault, but this is different.
Sure, we can put on our masks and pretend everything is fine..but f*ck my life, it’s not fine, it’s not even close to fine. The reasoning behind these masks we wear is not for ourselves, it’s for those around us. We live this pain, we know how much it sucks the fun out of everything and makes us miserable, we don’t want to do that to everyone else too.
We are just going through the motions, doing what we’re “supposed to do”, like robots. The reasoning there has to be the best reason ever; their names are Wesley, Jordan, and Maddison. That is the only reasoning that makes sense to me at all.
I hope we can stop asking “why?” someday because it is an exhausting part of this grief. Until there is a cure for DIPG, I think we will continue to ask why, then there may be more “whys”.
3 thoughts on “Reasoning”
Jessica, my heart just aches for you. There will be a cure one day and all that Payton went through will help future children.
Let’s pray it’s just around the corner.
Beautifully written, as always. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I pray for you daily. I believe God understands your questions, your anger…whatever you’re feeling. I also believe that if God sees you to it, He will also see you through it. I will continue to pray for all of you.
Jess, losing a child whether it be from sickness or suddenly, is something no parent should ever endure. It’s been almost a year since I lost Aubrey and I still question my faith and belief of what His reasoning was. We may never have the answer to our forever question of WHY. All we CAN do is treasure our memories with our children, both with us and those watching over us. We have the ability to keep those memories alive. Even when we question daily WHY ME? WHY HIM? WHY HER?
There is no wrong in questioning the reasoning behind the horrible loss of children. Somedays a question whether it’s even worth getting out of bed or not enters our thoughts. But then, that beautiful face may show a smile or a memory that gives you the strength to get through just one more day.
I guess my point of this is that you are not wrong for questioning the reason. You are not wrong for wanting SOME KIND OF ANSWER. But also to thank you for sharing your heart, your family, and your trials and tribulations of such a delicate matter. It shows others they are not alone.
Thank you ❤