I haven’t dug through the food for over a month. I had no idea how little food we had in the house. Then I realize I have not been eating properly. The food in the fridge and cupboard are what’s left after a grocery shopping trip in which we had stopped Payton’s strict organic diet. There are still organic apples, and a can of organic biscuits, along with other “memories” of Payton.
The diet we had him on was so hard on all of us. We all had to adjust to a new way of eating. We tried many new recipes. Some things, such as ranch without vinegar, I made special for Payton. Others we all ate special. Finding sugar free organic “oreo” cookies was a highlight for Payton. He was so excited. When we found out the treatment from Mexico wasn’t making a difference in this monster of a tumor, we told Payton that the doctor said he didn’t have to do it anymore. He didn’t believe us. Maddi didn’t believe us either. I hadn’t had a chance to tell her, alone, that the real reason we were “quitting” the diet was because it wasn’t working. She thought it was working and that’s why he didn’t have to do it anymore. When I finally got her alone, she was angry with me. I sensed she felt ashamed of her former excitement when she had assumed the diet was working. I felt low, really low. My heart was saddened by her pain. We had decided to allow Payton to spend the rest of his days doing what he wanted, and eating what he wanted.