Today marks 1 month since you grew your wings and your soul flew to heaven. One month ago you were in my bed, surrounded by almost all of your family, as we played your favorite songs. We were shocked, we thought we had more time, it happened so fast. I held my hand on your chest, feeling you inhale and exhale, your heart beating strong, until it stopped. Everything stopped in that moment. My strength stopped. I swear my heart stopped too, as if it thought I too was leaving this earth in that moment. I could finally cry, in front of “you”, as I had been so careful not to for almost 6 months. Just a short minute after your heart stopped and I held you close, I felt that you weren’t inside of your body anymore. I had to leave the room. Your daddy and brothers and some family members (I’m not sure who all for sure) stayed with your body. I could not stay to see you like that. I was not strong enough. I felt guilty, like I should have been in there. I should have picked out your last outfit. I should have been the one, but you were gone, and I couldn’t. I know your daddy and all who helped did a great job sending you off and you were looking down on them, proud of their strength and courage. I hope you realize why I could not be “the one”. It’s because you are my baby, my last born, my sweet little baby, and the short time I spent with “you” after death…it was enough for me. The time spent with you living is what I have to hold on to. I have to do this to keep my mind off that day, 1 month ago. My heart hurts the same as it did that day. I miss you more than I did that day. I have gotten some of my strength back, and that is because of you sweet boy. The thought of you suffering longer than you did hurts so much and I’d never want that for you, but it doesn’t make me not want you back, healthy, my Payton. I love you. I love you more. I love you most. I love you infinity❤❤
Payton Strong 