He got the “good me”. The me before cancer was a caring, loving, nurturing person and a good mom. She loved everyone unconditionally and would do anything for even a stranger. She had a clear mind and made decisions easily. Cancer changed everything. Life showed me how cruel it could really be, and I turned into someone I’m trying to figure out still. My mind was so messed up and my judgement was clouded by grief and alcohol. I’m realizing now that in those first couple of years after he died I made some really horrible decisions. I owe my daughter a great deal of apologies which I plan to render after graduation is over. I still love, but not as deeply. My heart doesn’t allow anyone in too far. It’s like I can only allow most people to sit on the surface of my heart, but I can’t allow them to infiltrate because I know my heart can’t take the pain of being hurt. Over the past few years, I’ve began relinquishing anyone who has hurt me or isn’t good for my soul. I just can’t deal with the stress of betrayal anymore. Payton got the good me though. He only knew the me that had a wide open heart that poured love into everything and everyone. He never had to know this person that has a million walls up. He never had to see me hurting like I do now. When I say he took a piece of my heart with him, this is what I mean. I do believe after he ripped that piece off, it calloused over and hardened to create a tough wall. I’m not sure why grief and reflection is hitting me so hard over 7 years later, but I guess that’s why they say it comes in waves. I’m going through a bit of a tsunami right now, to the point I’m thinking counseling may be in my near future. Maybe someday I’ll get back to the “good me”.
Payton Strong 