I laid I’m bed last night, right next to my husband, crying my eyes out. Silent tears slipped out of my eyes, and down the bridge of my nose, falling onto my pillow, I realized I could not remember any good times with Payton in that very moment. I laid there praying, asking God to let me remember the good times. I prayed hard until memories came in. The first was a memory of my silly boy asking for some oreos before bed. I had told him be could have “a couple” of orders. He came out with a stack that reached from his bellybutton to his face. I suddenly could feel his hug, a specific hug that occurred just days before he died. We were in the kitchen and he just came up and hugged me, so hard, no reason other than because he loved his mom.
I grieve alone. I know my husband does also. We talk about Payton together. We do things in his memory together. We buy things that remind us of him together. But we grieve alone. Neither of us want to bring it up to the other- our pain that is. We don’t want to cause that kind of hurt to one another if the other just happens to be doing okay that day. 4 years later, we’ve learned to live with the loss of our son. It is a huge part of us, just as Payton was when he was living. He will always be our son, and we will always long for him.
Payton Strong 